And now for something completely different.

Just picture John Cleese on a Piano in a bowtie and speedo.

Real life computer problems are far too depressing to be jovial at the moment.

In lighter news, someone just robbed the EU Post Office in Brussels.

Thought of the day: Schadenfreude is so much fun.

Isha

How to fix your Airport connectivity; Part 2

Having met with little success in attempting to rectify your Airport connectivity on your own, it is suggested that you seek the service of professionals. Locate the nearest Apple Store, using someone else's computer. Drive, or have someone else drive you to Apple Store. If you do not have access to a car, take public transportation, but only if absolutely necessary.

Once you arrive at the Apple Store, head towards the Genius Bar, and approach one of the friendly looking employees holding an iPad; they will make an appointment for you. They may inform you that there are no available appointment times remaining that day, unless you care to wait until the last 15 minutes before closing. Note that many Apple Stores close at 8 pm, and that you will probably arrive mid-afternoon. As you probably don't care to wait until 7:45, the friendly employee will direct you to a nearby computer to make an appointment for a later date. Using friendly looking iMac, fill out easy and friendly concierge form for a reasonable appointment the following day. To preserve feeling of relative goodwill, drive or take a cab home; alternatively, lose all good will during commute on public transportation.

On the day of your appointment, make sure you leave early enough to arrive on time. If you arrive 10 minutes late, try to harried and regretful. A friendly looking employee holding an iPad will ask you to wait for a moment on a sturdy looking bench. Take time to remove layers, compose yourself, and turn on MacBook. If your computer turns on without incident, and recognizes the track-pad, then the day is looking up.

The friendly employee with an iPad will direct you to sit in front of an employee at the Genius bar. He will introduce you to the Genius by your first name, and tell you the Genius's name, which is Sean. Smile politely and explain that you are having problems with your Airport, being as specific as possible without seeming hysterical or crazed. Wait patiently as Sean runs a series of diagnostic tests on your computer. Do not be alarmed if you cannot follow what he's doing, or if you've already done the first 6 things he tries. He is a professional. When he very professionally tells you that it might be a software problem, you are encouraged to ask what that means, but nodding blithely and looking concerned at the appropriate moments is also acceptable. From this point on, simply follow Sean's instructions as he checks that the problem is in fact related to the software. If it turns out to be a hardware problem, you will need to send the computer out for repairs at a $280 flat rate, as your warranty is up. Pray quietly that it is not a hardware problem.

Sean will most likely tell you after a barrage of key board mashing and several prompts to enter your password, that it is a software problem. You will sigh in relief as Sean tells you that you simply need to reinstall the Operating System. He will offer to install the latest version here in the store, free of charge. He will inform you that you will need to back up all your personal files so he can clear the hard drive before reinstalling the OS, and he will show you that the fastest way to do that is to copy everything in your Home folder, which is probably somewhere between 30 and 300 gigabytes. He will advise you to purchase an external hard drive, and direct you to one side of the store, saying you can buy one here, or look online. He will make a friendly note about your computer problems for the next time you come in, which he says he hopes will be soon. You will thank him and head toward the friendly looking external hard drives, solution in hand. You will look appraisingly at their sleek, friendly looking boxes. You will pick one up and turn it over to look at the price, then stare blankly at it before returning it to the shelf. You will realize that all the sleek, friendly looking packaging is really a clever ruse to get you to pay for one with your credit card and take it home with you before your senses return and tell you that that was an inordinate sum of money to pay for something you'll be through with in an hour.

Decide that the internet will have something less sleek but just as good for a much more reasonable hourly fee. Leave store in state of relative hopefulness and goodwill. Lose both during the commute home. It would be very reasonable if you decide that you need several hours to unwind before continuing onto the next step in fixing your Airport connectivity.

How to fix your Airport connectivity; Part 1

If you're having trouble with your internet connectivity, first try turning your Airport off, then back on. If your computer does not automatically connect to a network, try choosing a network on the drop down menu. If there are no networks available, try connecting using an Ethernet cable. If there isn't an Ethernet cable available, and there really ought to be at least one network, seeing as you're paying for it, and can usually pick up at least three other networks on your block, open Internet Connect, and try changing your network from there.

If your MacBook still refuses to register any available networks, in spite of persistent urging that yes, the modem is working and no one else is having a problem, try resetting your location. If, to your increasing frustration, your Mac still does not register any available networks, go into Internet Connectivity, and try to manually input your network. It will ask you to type the network name, and enter the password. If the password doesn't work, check the box marked "display password", and try again. If after the fifteenth time you enter the password, your MacBook still insists that you are either misinformed or committing some obvious typo, no matter what the dictionary tells you, curse profusely and elaborately while angrily hitting apple-Q, shut down your entire computer, get up, and walk away.

Come back to your computer after a few minutes and reboot. While it starts up, allow yourself to calm down enough to decide that no, you don't really need the hammer, and while the pliers are very nice, they probably aren't going to be very helpful. After you've put them away, come back to your computer, and click on the Airport symbol. If nothing happens immediately, do not be alarmed. Your computer has just started up, and might be running slowly. Wait a few moments. If still nothing happens, try clicking on it again. If your computer still does not register that you are attempting to fix your Airport problem, try moving the mouse over the dock. Become mildly alarmed when the dock does not register that you are scrolling over it. Begin clicking wildly on every icon in your dock and on your desktop. Rapidly lose calm as computer fails to respond and starts whirring loudly. Hit Apple-Option-Escape frantically and to no avail. Giggle hysterically for several minutes to ease tension. Shut down computer manually. Do not restart. For further assistance in fixing your Airport connectivity, seek professional aid.

Thought of the Day: I spend far too much time talking about my clothing.

Isha