How to survive a break up

When you were really into them and they didn't have time for you

1- have a psychic knowledge the break up is coming, and prepare without really knowing why. Buy a bar of chocolate, prepare food in advance, stock up on tea, and definitely consume an entire bottle of wine.

2- precipitate the breakup. Put on your big girl panties, and text them how you feel, which is to say, like you're hanging yourself on the hook for their approval and they're not interested enough to notice. As your roommate says, you're drunk, what could happen?

3- when they text you to ask when would be a good time to call, definitely respond with "probably not now, while I'm drunk and slithering"

4- answer the call anyway. 

5- tell them, pointedly, you're wondering if you should just cut the rope.

6- when they tell you that's probably the right choice, take long, slow deep breaths. Do not worry about how much time has passed in silence on both ends of the line.

7- make some conciliatory remarks about that being fair. When they tell you that they'll get back in touch when they're back in your city, tell them you'd like that. Quietly hate yourself for saying it, because it's true, and you wish it weren't.

8- hang up the phone.

9- cue up Burn, from the Hamilton soundtrack, on repeat.

10- ugly cry. 

11- when your roommates come to check on you because you're playing the literal most perfect, most awful break up song that has ever existed, demand that they snuggle you. They will comply.

12- cover your roommates in tears and snot. They will forgive you.

13- drink several glasses of water, in succession, because you just cried your soul out into your sheets and you are now a dehydrated fish flake.

14- decide you might feel better if you showered. While in the shower, realize that you were right. Congratulate yourself for such excellent self care.

15- stand in your bedroom naked, lights off, eyes closed.

16- Admit that underneath the sadness, and the frustration, and the bone deep crush of realizing you were (maybe)(almost)(very much) in love, you're disappointed. This had so much potential, and you couldn't be chill enough to let it be what it was. 

17- bitch slap that mopey little voice full of disappointment and self-doubt and tell it that speaking up might not always get you what you wanted but staying quiet never got you anything.

18- take your roommate for a walk around the block. Say all your feelings out loud. 

19- cast a spell. For example, write the name of your newly minted ex on a small square of paper, with whatever words help you let go of the feelings you harbor for them. Fold it into a paper crane. Hold it close to your mouth, and exhale all the hurt in your heart into your palms and this tiny paper bird. Then, throw it out the window.

20- read a compiled list of every way your favorite satire website has ever referred to Donald Trump. Unexpectedly belly laugh at "stately hot dog casing".